Tears can get you what you want . . . sometimes.

I have to admit, the last couple of days have been very trying. Its very hard to watch someone you love go through so much pain. Chris was able to be discharged from the hospital two days ago and the evening he came home he was feeling pretty decent. The night came and so did the pain. Chris tried not to take any pain meds the first night because he wanted to drive himself to a chiropractor appointment but when I called during my break at work feeding my daughter I received a text saying, “not doing very well, lots of pain”

I came home right away and for the last 48 hours its been doing everything possible to help relieve Chris’s pain but nothing has worked. We tried back rubs and hot baths and pain meds and then he would feel a little better so he would try and eat. He would eat a little and then feel sick again. The pain came back strong just one hour after he took the narcotic med. One prescription he received in the hospital was the only thing he said would  work and he did not get discharged with it. We both drove over to the Lemmon Holton Cancer Center after calling in the RX and I just lost it when they told me they don’t have it and they never got the prescription. It was one of the strongest feelings of hopelessness that I had ever felt. They did get it for Chris 45 minutes later or maybe it was for me because I was balling my eyes out. It helped at first and more then the other pain meds but it was still not enough. I took off the next day from work to care for him and 9:00 in the morning we decided to go back into the hospital.

It has been hard and stressful times but he is getting some relief now in the hospital. I know that God is sovereign and He sees. He loves Chris and He knows what He is going through, but there are times when you doubt when your husband, who is the strongest person you know, is crying out to God to have some relief from the pain.  I am helpless and all I can keep asking God is, “Why does he have to go through this?” I also can’t help but have feelings of guilt and that I could do more to help. Its hard not to when you see how excruciating the pain is.

Can I even imagine how God felt knowing He could have stopped his Son’s pain and did not because of His love for us?! No I can not. I would have done anything to relieve Chris’s pain and all I could do was watch.

Chris and I listened to an excellent podcast about 3 days ago when he was in the hospital and feeling better called “The Cross and Christian suffering” a message by David Platt.  It was truly amazing and very encouraging. Perhaps God’s plan for all this pain is that He can be a comfort to me so that I can be a comfort to others. Perhaps bringing comfort to others I may show them what real love is, love from who Himself is love. Right now I am tired and worn but I have felt and known God’s comfort. The discomfort and sadness is still there but I do feel safe and cared for and loved.

I am also starting to feel some responsibility on my part to share what I am going through in order to be a comfort to someone else. I don’t usually blog so that others can read and at this point I have not shared this with anyone except one person just a couple minutes ago to a stranger who also has a blog and a husband who had cancer. I have been so blessed by you Bailey Heard!



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