Not just words

Gabriella (Gabby) has been an absolute blessing to us! She brings so much joy to our lives and everyone around her. I really can’t believe that God has allowed for me to take care of her and have the opportunity to be her mother. So many people have offered to watch her while I go down to the hospital but honestly I love bringing her with me. Chris and I are able to laugh and smile at her and she is so good that it is not a burden. It was like God knew exactly what I needed to bring me joy at a time like this.

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I probably would be a wreck if I did not have some purpose and joy in taking care of my little angel. However, she still does not take the place of “my other kids”. To be honest, I thought she would. When our four kids went back to live with mom I thanked God for giving me Gabby so I would not have to experience that void in my heart of no longer being a mom. I remember thinking, “this will be a nice change, I’ll be able to spend more time enjoying and taking care of just Gabby.” I was sad that they would not be living with us anymore and I would miss them terribly but I would still see them. It was more often when they first went home and now it is less often.  The other day I was so emotionally upset because plans were made for them to come and visit Chris up at the hospital but I never got to see them. The younger kids came before I got there and the older kids never showed up in the evening. I was missing them so much and I was very surprised at my sudden longing to see them.

Chris  was doing better and had more energy to stay awake and talk but I was in quite an emotional mood. I realized that my heart and love for those kids can never be replaced. I have a new love for my own daughter but by no means did it replace my love for Xavier, Aiyana, Lorenzo and Nevaeh. I thought about how it must feel for kids who are told that they get to see their mom or someone they love and then it doesn’t happen. In foster care the kids had visits once a week for two hours with their mom. We would meet at Bethany Christian Services and most of the time Mom would come. There was a month long period though that we would show up and the front office would tell us that Mom cancelled. The kids didn’t show it right away but during the following week their behavior showed their disapproval of the situation. It would be hard to have that promise that expectation of seeing your kids, your mom and then they don’t come. I was put in their shoes that day.

And then I realized that Gabby is never going to replace the love that I have for Chris either. There may come a day when I have to say goodbye to my husband and no one will ever replace him or the love that I have for him. Having to say good-bye or think about saying good-bye helps you to realize who is most important in your life. Am I still thankful and full of joy even if I don’t get to see my four foster kids as much as I like? or if I have to say good-bye to Chris? or if something were to happen to Gabby? Is God enough? If everything is taken away from me, would I still bless His name?

We sing about it all the time and pledge as a believer that “God is number one in my life!” Do we really mean it? How do we even know if it is true? I remember when I was young saying that God was most important in my life but looking back I had no clue what I was saying. How can I say that God is “number 1” or “most important” until it is tested? Now, I have been tested and without a doubt I know the truth of my heart because I am able to still be faithful to God despite the loss and struggle and hardship and it brings me peace.

It a peace knowing you are taken care of and loved by Almighty God. It also a peace knowing that your love for him is strong enough to be satisfied in Him and Him alone.  Even if everything else you love is taken away, is God enough? Is He more then enough? I’m still in the process of honestly answering those questions myself, but at least now its real and not just words.

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One thought on “Not just words

  1. Oh Gina, thank you for sharing these intimate thoughts. I always wonder what is going on, how to help, etc., but hesitate to ask because of the sensitive nature of everything and because I’m afraid I will show too much emotion. You devout love for Christ and your family is inspiring! Take care and PLEASE don’t hesitate ever to let us know how we can help.

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