Tonight we are in Detroit relaxing on the king size bed we have for 3 nights. I have to admit, it is a nice change of scenery. Chris just started his first round of a phase one trial drug called 2013046 (It doesn’t have a name yet). Karmanos Cancer Center put us up at the Motor City Hotel as part of one of the perks to donating your body to science. In the past he has been very successful with phase one trials, at least for the short term, so it is very good that he was able to get into this trial. It gives us hope knowing that we are still fighting.
I am very relaxed and enjoying my down time tonight, last night was a little bit of a different story however. Currently we are under a winter storm advisory all across Michigan. We left our house yesterday a little after 12:00 noon. 1:00 is when I realized that I forgot the pills Chris needed to take before his treatment, so Gabby and I made our way back to Grand Rapids going 40 mph on the highway. Chris drove his car down separately to let his mom borrow it, as he was not driving it any longer. By 2:30 I made it to Grand Rapids and back down to Lansing. Gabby was ready to get out of that car seat!
I hate driving in bad weather, and I have no confidence when it comes to dodging 25 mile per hour winds and trying to see through a white cloud to the next car in front of me. It makes me slightly frantic. As I was driving alone . . . no, not alone, I had my precious 8 month old little girl in the backseat, I asked the Lord to give me His peace. I wanted nothing more then for Him to just take over and just drive for me. My inner thoughts begged God to lift the snow and make the sky calm, but the snow kept blowing and drifting and piling onto the freeway.
Right then I felt like this is a good example of my life right now. Its stormy, its windy, its dangerous and its stressful. And yet, as long as I stayed on that straight path where I could see just a little bit of the road, the rock underneath me, I was ok. I felt in that moment that God was teaching me to trust that He is working through me. He is not going to take me out of the storm, but as I stay grounded to Him and follow the only path that will will keep me from spinning out of control, He is with me and gives me what I need to get through it. “Getting though” is what I was feeling at that moment and many other times in my life as well. The Lord has helped me to “get though” and that is huge when your in the middle of a massive snow storm and its not letting up any time soon. But God also revealed to me that He wants to do more then just get me through, He wants to mold me and shape me into someone who is fearless. Not reliant on my own strength, but fearless knowing that the power that raised Jesus from the dead is the power He has given to me as His child.
Someone who is fearless is also someone who tends not worry and get stressed. I want to be fearless. Could I be? Is that even possible? God told me (and has probably be trying to tell me for a while), “Yes, its possible. I can give you my courage, and you give me your fear.” I fear that I have a lot of fears. I’m sure I could face those fears and “get through” with the knowledge that God is all I need, but instead of just “getting through” and having the knowledge, I want to feel and live with my heart, facing the powerful storm truly unafraid. “Do not be afraid” is a command that God says over and over in scripture. One of my favorites is Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
Its not even an option! . . . Wow. I have a far way to go, but I will keep making every movement towards Jesus. I can’t make it without Him. There is no standing still. That would be bad in the middle of a snow storm!
I will keep moving, no matter how slow.
Here is one of my favorites, it reminds us that no matter what comes, to keep making movements towards our God.
I must stand true, Whatever hits I’ll keep making movements to You”