Everyone, who has gone through sorrow or tragedy, asks “Where are you God?” Maybe not out loud or maybe they try to dismiss it but deep within them it’s always wondered. C.S. Lewis describes when you are in most need of Him that it feels like, “a door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence.” (Lewis, 18) I have felt this too. Your mind and your feelings play tricks on you. Although deep within your soul you know that God has promised to never leave you, it is almost impossible to shake that feeling that you are alone.

And then over the next couple of days I made a beautiful discovery. I have had many good days that are magnified into great days by the love of others. And there are bad days that are turned into good days by love. One big contributer is Gabriella, my daughter. At a young age, when she is learning and discovering so much, expressing her love for me is surprising and unexpected. My heart leaps out of my chest when she looks at me, her eyes wide and alive, her smile covering her entire face as she leans in to give me a big kiss. She can’t talk, but she sure knows how to love. It’s the most wonderful thing in the world, but it cannot be forced and it cannot be controlled. If it was, it would completely loose its value. There are also bad days that are hard and seemingly unrelenting, and no matter how much on those days I want Gabby to shower me with love and kisses, she won’t and I cannot force her.

And yet, wanting immediate relief from my pain by receiving love from my baby girl, doesn’t work! It is only true and real when it is uncontrolled. Those times, in the unexpected moments, her love is sweeter then the sweetest honey. Just like I know Gabby loves me, I know my God loves me, but showing that love cannot be forced. He is mysterious, and cannot be contained. He is not controlled by our feelings. His love for me is constant, but the expressions of His love are often a complete and joyous surprise. It is addictive, and when I don’t feel His love I find myself crying out in desperation for it, seeking and looking and seeking more. And it seems in my despair that I am groping around in the darkness.

Many have felt this feeling that God is far from them. Psalms 22 1-2 says, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me? . . . O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, and by night I find no rest.” Written by David and quoted by Jesus. But what faith would we have if we could access the immediate feeling of God’s love any time we wanted? Is it a refreshing drink we can just pull out of the fridge whenever we want? Psalms 22: 3-4; 9 says, Yet you are holy . . . In you our fathers trusted; they trusted and you delivered them. Yet you are he who took me from the womb; you made me trust you . . .”  This is true faith; trusting Him despite feeling very far from Him.

Then when I least expect it, and my strength has failed, He picks me up and is my comfort. 

In the very next chapter Psalms 23:2-3 He draws us in to Himself. “He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. . . .” And in our affliction and suffering we remember, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me (v.4).”

 Oh, How He loves us!

 

 

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A Grief Observed- Part 2 “Mysterious Love”

One thought on “A Grief Observed- Part 2 “Mysterious Love”

  1. Gina found your website via Widowed Village… just looked at the photo of your husband… looking just like my
    beloved I lost a year ago… so fragile yet there is a beauty there in their face. He was 6 ft tall and became very thin
    he passed away in front of me .. but at home. He was the love of my life. There the link to an article
    regarding reunion in heaven with our beloved. Also if you are interested there is a DVD by a pastor called Testimony of Heaven about Love of our Life partners in heaven. There is a link to this article below on People of faith on WV website. It talks about the widow who has waited to see the face of her husband and is reunited in heaven.
    Also in Heaven. No breaking hearts as we look for the last time into the faces of loved ones as cheeks grow ashen, as eyes glaze. No watching the undertaker as he screws down the coffin lid on the one we loved, no black dresses and veils, no funerals passing through the streets, no standing by a yawning grave and watching a coffin lowered into it, no listening to the cold clods as they fall remorselessly on the box that contains the form of the one we love so much and whose departure leaves life so cheerless. Thank God there is no death in Heaven.
    JESUS THE ONLY WAY TO HEAVEN
    Are we all on the way? I fear there are those who hope to be there, but they have not started. When are you going to make a start? You must make a start if you are ever to see the loved ones who have gone before. Remember, there is only one way there, and that is the narrow way.
    Jesus is the way, and no man can come to the Father but by HIM. If you reject Him you shut the door to heaven on yourself. Heaven is a prepared place, and you must be prepared for heaven by repenting of your sin and putting your faith and trust in Jesus Christ as your Saviour.
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