Dance in the Downpour

Dear Gabby,

Today as you were busy giving sloppy open mouth kisses to your adoring grandparents, your Uncle Dan and I spent our day listening with our ears and digesting with our hearts a host of information, wisdom, and advice from writers who have already gone ahead of us. I am listening to these writers because I want to learn how to write my story and your Daddy’s story so it will not be lost, and that it can be a part of your story.

I’m sorry to say that what I discovered about writing today is very much like that first tooth in your mouth that is still stubbornly hiding behind your gummy smile. It’s there, but it can be quite a process of pain and it is very uncomfortable. And of course to help relieve your pain, you chew on coffee tables, people’s fingers and Mommy’s I Phone cord. It’s taken me a while to realize this, but you are teaching me to work through the pain of my writing instead of screaming about it. And I can only work through it by involving others into my story. Granted sometimes chewing on fingers is easier then chewing on people’s heartstrings. A physical reaction of pain is easier to see from a friend then an emotional reaction to pain, especially the pain in my own life.

I realized today that I have a lot of work and a lot of writing ahead of me. I love writing. I love writing about you and your Daddy and the small drop of knowledge I have of God in the vast ocean of who He is. I will always love to write, but I have to decide if I should still write on the nights when I am sad and lonely, or the nights when I am tired, or the nights when I am lazy. On those nights when you’re dreaming of that first taste of Mommy’s Reese Pieces with your new and long awaited teeth, I will be laying in bed wondering if writing with that much passion, vulnerability and work is really worth it? (I have to admit, it’s very hard to resist those cute beanie boo eyes of yours. Inching closer to me in such anticipation almost transforms me into this programmed robotic mom who would give you anything you wanted.)

So Peanut, if you see me this week sitting down at my computer, but produce a look of confusion, discouragement and anxiety, you will know that your Mommy answered her question. She answered herself; yes, it is worth the “hard” to share the story. It is worth the nakedness to have the open, unfiltered community. It is worth the risk of failure for the chance to love and to live as I have always been called by Christ.

One day, my daughter, you will have many adventures. You will have places that you want to go and things that you want to do. And the best things are when you get to play in the mud and rain and get dirty. Its easy to live in a partly cloudy, predictable and pleasant climate, but where’s the fun in that? Not just the fun but where is the joy, where is the wonder in predictable? I might regret saying this, but I give you permission to live and get messy. I want you to feel the wet and residual clumps of mud between your sinking toes into the earth below, I want you to see the masterpiece of beauty when you create your first finger painting, I want you to hear the cry of other kids who are hurting, I want you to smell the rain in the middle of a downpour, and I want you to speak the truth to your friends through fear and rejection and self-consciousness.

Things are very unpredictable right now and your Mommy feels like she is caught in a downpour. Many adults that I know do not like to get caught in a downpour of rain. Once you start caring about what you look like, you probably wont like it either. But your Mommy is learning to appreciate the downpour, like a child.  In the downpour you can play and dance and feel a freedom that is unlike any other feeling in the world. You just have to get past the heavy clothes which cling to your body, the standing water in your shoes announcing to everyone you’re presence by a “squish” and it reveals your appearance to others; disheveled, imperfect and messy. Is it worth it? Gabby, do you think it’s worth it for Mommy to dance in the downpour?

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6 thoughts on “Dance in the Downpour

  1. You have such a beautiful way with your words describing your heart and soul. I can tell you are a very special person.

  2. God put you on my heart this morning as I sat in church. Right about the time you were writing this. I reminded myself to say something to you this week. Instead, you spoke to my heart instead.
    Keep writing. gnaw through the iPhone cord of pain (I like that imagery!). I’m happy to jump through puddles with you any time you’d need.

  3. Gina, I saw on facebook you were asking for feedback…..Because I am not a writer 🙂 I will do the best I can to express….. My favorite post of yours so far was the one you incorporated many scriptures into stating it is ok to feel the pain, even Jesus felt the pain. By incorporating the scriptures, for me, it gave the work credence and made it stick to my ribs more than just an voiced personal opinion might.

    Having said that, I loved how the most recent post “Dance in the Downpour” gave so much figurative language. I felt like I could sense things through the words. Even the use of “Downpour” versus “Rain” struck a chord and ignited a fresh interest. When you compared your knowledge to a drop versus the vast ocean that God is it helped me picture the truth of the matter. When you told Gabby, I want you to speak the truth to your friends through fear and rejection and self-consciousness. I wanted to throw my hands up and yell “Yes! God please grant the same to Mikail, Nolan, Kali and myself!” There was a hunger in me to make others understand how bad fear, rejection, self consciousness, betrayal, really does hurt even when you pursue God with all your heart but that there is so so much more to it than just the hurt. I praise and pray with such desire in my heart that God will use your gifts to continue to share this with others. Thank you God for: the wisdom, knowledge, perseverance, experiences, gifts You give!!! Know Gina that there will be some some who reject your gift, but don’t let that discourage you. God has blessed you richly with talent and I have been blessed beyond explanation for having had the opportunity to benefit and grow from it. Thank you!Tenneil Date: Sun, 13 Apr 2014 13:31:29 +0000 To: tenneilf@hotmail.com

  4. Gina, LOVE your writing. My favorite from Dance in the Downpour: “I’m sorry to say that what I discovered about writing today is very much like that first tooth in your mouth that is still stubbornly hiding behind your gummy smile. It’s there, but it can be quite a process of pain and it is very uncomfortable.”

    Your writing is so descriptive that I can feel it and see it. Another one that cracked me up and I could completely visualize was: “And of course to help relieve your pain, you chew on coffee tables, people’s fingers and Mommy’s I Phone cord.” 🙂

  5. Gina! This is beautiful!!
    Thank you for such honesty and truth and you connect the abstract so well with what is observable. wow.
    I love you! Still praying for you.

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