Right now I have many many emotions shooting out from inside of me. It reminds me of a fountain underground. Several holes in the pavement shoot up water of all different lengths and you never know when the man made geysers will appear. It’s very unpredictable, but beautiful at the same time.
August 12th was my anniversary. I would have been married 8 years. Close friends and family who knew, called me and thought of me in their prayers. It should have been a hard day, but I have to be honest. It was a weird day, but it was not hard. There was nothing tangible in my day to remind me that there was something missing. It’s like the day just didn’t exist.
To my surprise, a day that is coming up, a day of celebration for someone who both Chris and I loved and still love very much, already has a floodgate of emotions tied very strongly to it. As I think about celebrating the beautiful “daughter” we were able to love and take care of for 20 months, I so badly want Chris there. Aiyana is turning 8 tomorrow, I can’t believe it! I will be with her and her brother and sisters, her moms, her cousins, her aunts and uncles who we all know so well because they are our second family. Her “Dad” wont be there though.
I can’t tell you why, because from the outside world perspective it doesn’t make any sense, but right now tomorrow seems to shoot up higher with emotions of joy and sadness then it did at Gabby’s birthday, our own child. Chris had more time to be a dad to Aiyana, and we fell in love with her as well as all of her others brothers and sisters, together.
Understanding this and experiencing these emotions have made me realize that Gabby wont be the only one who I will be writing letters to to talk about their Daddy. I will be writing to 5 kids about their Daddy. Gabby will also have 4 brothers and sisters who will be able to tell her what type of Dad Chris was to them and how they remember him.
So here goes,
Dear birthday girl!
I can’t believe you are 8 tomorrow! I am so proud of you, and Chris would have been so proud of you too! You are so smart and we were always amazed at how well you did in school. Remember the spelling game that we would play all the time around dinner? You LOVED trying to spell hard words. You are growing up so fast and becoming quite the social butterfly. You were pretty shy when you first came to live with us, and now when I come over to your house, you have lots of friends and things going on that pretty soon I am going to have to be penciled in on your calendar.
You always helped us take care of your younger brothers and sisters including Gabby. You will make a wonderful mom someday which is what you want to be when you grow up 🙂 You can be anything you want to be!
I am sorry Chris can’t be here to watch you open your presents or throw a baseball with you or rough house with you, but remember all of the fun we had together and the example of love he showed to you. Remember the things he taught you and the example he gave to you. Even though he is not here, he will always be like a Dad to you. That will never change.
I love you sweetheart!
Gina (A.K.A. Mommy #3)