Like the fall leaves, brilliant and changing

Right now I smell crisp air and burnt autumn leaves. I see the bright orange branches dancing against a brilliant blue sky. I hear the crunching of a thousand maple leaves as I speed past on my bike. I feel the wind rushing through my hair and I feel alive in a season that is revealing its beauty through change and loss.

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I wonder if a tree looks forward to its time where its color and brilliance leave us staring up in awe at the wonder of God. Or is it saddened knowing that all its leaves will soon be dead and gone? In a Bible study (Bible Study Fellowship) I attended this morning, I am reminded as God’s beloved daughter, my suffering and loss is for a purpose and it only lasts for as long as it’s necessary to bring glory to Him. I also realized that God is completely faithful. Of course He cannot prove his faithfulness to me if I am afraid to risk and step out in faith. And His light and brilliance will not shine inside of me if I am not willing to let go, to let go of my leaves and be naked and bare before Him.

I am studying Exodus right now. Its unbelievable the faithfulness of God. In Genesis 15:13, God tells Abram, “You can be sure that your descendants will be strangers in a foreign land, where they will be oppressed as slaves for 400 years.” God knew the hard future that lay ahead for His people. He also had a plan to deliver them and carried it out on the exact day that He had promised. Exodus 12:40-41 says, “The people of Israel had lived in Egypt for 430 years. In fact, it was on the exact day of the 430th year that all the Lord’s forces left the land.” The 30 years when the Israelites lived in the land of Egypt but were not slaves was the generation of Joseph and his brothers. (Genesis 1:6-8) God fulfilled His promise to His people on the exact day He declared. His timing is perfect and reveals to me that He is in complete control of those who love and put their trust in Him. 

I have experienced suffering and I have experienced loss. All of us have experienced suffering and loss and hardship. And I have realized that it can shine God’s brilliant glory and faithfulness if I am willing. I am continually changing and being refined by a designer, a healer, a teacher, a Father. He is creating within me a heart that is drawn to others who are experiencing suffering and pain, a heart that is willing to risk and love unconditionally and a heart that says yes to Him no matter the cost.

There was one more thing this morning that hit me and I want to share it with all of you just like if I was sitting down with you at Starbucks sipping on a Pumpkin Spice Latte. I would look at you with sincerity and share how I have realized that I am apart of God’s family and I will choose to always be apart of God’s family but the relationship that I have with the Lord Almighty can change. I can choose to become more intimate and more dependent despite my circumstances or I can choose to slowly drift away from His heart. After a pause of processing these words I would then tell you that I am going to choose to fight for that closeness, that complete dependence and that vulnerable and intimate love with God, my Savior, and I need you to help me and pray for me in doing this.

Pray for me friends that my life will be like fall leaves, brilliant and changing, that I reflect Him in all His wonder and beauty.

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Alive in the rain


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The warm sun does wonders for your soul. My vacation to stay with my Uncle and Aunt in Maitland, Florida has been a beautiful change of scenery. The time has been slow, lazy, uneventful and nice. Gabby will usually wake up between 8 and 8:30, today it was a jaw dropping 10:30 when I looked at my phone. We had a quick breakfast of Dunkin Donut holes and frozen grapes, plus Mommy’s cup of dark coffee, always. It was off to the Maitland Park, a new world of God’s breathtaking creation. We ride a bike, together.  Gabby in a front toddler seat, her helmet leans against my chest. The morning bike ride has become routine on our vacation. I love how close we are when we are riding down the sidewalk, admiring the well manicured lawns and friendly neighbors waving as we ride by. The hot air clouds around us as we brake at the stop sign and then lifts with a breeze, tires spinning. I can’t help but smile and feel a little more alive.

When I took care of four kids I had two hours for myself as they visited with their mom. Then, bike rides were to “get away” and relax. Now, it feels like the most eventful thing in my life right now. Its when I feel most alive and free. Gabby feels it to. Picking up speed as we fly down the short hill to the park I hear, “Yee ay – ay!” She loves it and that ride has started to become such a routine in our morning that I am sure she will notice if it’s missed.

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A rusted red boardwalk comes into view winding through the wildness of Florida’s swampy forests. The sounds of the untamed wild carry on their daily chatter all around us. No longer am I a broken person, but a creature created by almighty God. I am in the midst of His wildness and it’s wonderful. The path into the park is from the crushed shells of the ocean. The sun illuminates the road traveled through palm trees and exotic shrubs. Shadows and light dance on our skin. I breathe deep, “Ahhh . . . This is good.” and I lift up a prayer of thanks, “Thank you Father, this is very good.”

I hear a distant groan of thunder and we start heading toward the exit. Two minutes later it begins to rain, the tennis players are gathering up their balls and water bottles, the mom’s call their kids from the playground and runners start picking up their pace. The wet drops begin to hit our skin, and my senses awaken. IMG_2284[1]The rain picks up and we are gliding down the boardwalk as we leave the park and enter a neighborhood leading us home. I forgot how much I love the rain, how much I love the feel of water splashing against my bare legs peddling us up the hill. The dark clouds split apart above and the rain came in heaping bucketfuls down on our faces. Gabby and I were soaked with the smell of fresh rain as we pulled the bike into the garage. She didn’t make a sound the whole way home. I unstrap her from her wet cushion seat and a smile beams across her face. She wraps her arms around me, not noticing how wet we both are. I knew she was brave, like all 14 month old babies, but resilient? I was beyond happy she enjoyed this as much as I did.  IMG_2287[1]

Speaking now to you friends who have been walking with me, I ask that you share in this even more. Pray for me as I adventure with Christ in murky waters. Pray that I will have a teachable and patient heart as I wade in the shallow dark sea longing for the sun and the waves to crash over me. Pray that I will not be stagnant and become overwhelmed by my circumstances. Pray I will not succumb to distractions and numbing pleasures in a world I am surrounded in but continue to wait in the silence. Continue to wait in the silence if that is what is required to be close to a God I cannot ignore. Pray that I will drink in the words of Christ in Matthew 11:28-30 so that I will not become dehydrated.

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Life in the Woods

Dear Gabby,

 

This morning, as you were napping soundly with your little gray bunny, I stepped out into the sunshine.  Its light was streaming down to the deck outback of your Grammy and Grandpy’s house. I stood there very still. There was so much life happening around me, and I felt that after a season of hiding indoors, I was the alien. There were Robins calling back and forth to each other across the wood, a woodpecker’s lunch preparation echoed loud, the Looking Glass River, only about 50 yards away, moved with a sweeping force over rocks and toppled trees.

I walked down closer to the river. I am drawn in like all the trees that bow to the life-giving source. Dead leaves crackle and crumple beneath me, and new stems grow up beside me. The light shines through the wooden giants creating beautiful long shadows throughout the area. My thought was to come out here and think. And I did but it was not in the way that I thought. I was distracted by so much life. In the cold months it is still and peaceful. There is no life. It is dead. And then spring comes, awakening new life. The life was not ever dead, it was hibernating, waiting, on hold for the sun and the warmth to break through. But this life is never the same, it is renewed after every stilled winter.

I sat for a long time out there, hoping that all this new life would rub off on me. I observed the sparkling river flowing at a continual pace through the forest. It had carved its own way. Close in front of me as I meandered through the wood, was a stagnant pond that had collected in a pocket of earth. Its murky waters were still and content. It had made its home and made no attempt of moving. Both made of the same element and they are so different. I am drawn to the river. It gives and brings forth life by its continual persistent force. It’s wild and dangerous and cuts through the earth. I am repelled by the stagnant pond. For even though it seems to give life, it brings disease and death often results.

I don’t know what the future will look like for us, I have so many questions I ask myself every day. I try and ask God my questions and allow him to answer them in His own time so I am not prone to worry. The life He has already created helps to answer some of those questions. When you are older and you have questions, I would say to try and sit and listen and observe of what God has already made. Knowing that He made everything skillfully, creatively and with unquestionable love we are left with ears and eyes open and our mouths shut.

Since you were sleeping, I took some pictures for you of what I saw as I was thinking of all of this. I love you princess!

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I had to add this picture too. This was you later that day on your new princess bike. I don’t know what you were laughing at but you though it was really funny.